


Sans Souci

by julien (julie)



Series: At the Urging of a Mountie [1]
Category: due South
Genre: Episode: s01e09 A Cop a Mountie and a Baby, First Dates, First Kiss, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1996-08-01
Updated: 1996-08-01
Packaged: 2021-02-28 04:08:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22997449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/julie/pseuds/julien
Summary: Fraser asserts that peopledofind Ray attractive, and Ray wants to know how the Mountie can be so sure. A confession eventually ensues…
Relationships: Benton Fraser/Ray Vecchio
Series: At the Urging of a Mountie [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1652719
Comments: 2
Kudos: 3





	Sans Souci

**Author's Note:**

> **Notes:** This is set after episode 109 _A Cop, a Mountie and a Baby_. 
> 
> **First published:** in the zine _Two_ from IIBNF Press in 1996.

# Sans Souci 

♦

Ray and Fraser were sitting in one of the front booths of the coffee shop, which was becoming a habit at the end of a day. If a case didn’t involve long hours, and Fraser wasn’t on guard duty or playing doorman for some diplomatic reception, Ray would pick him up in the Riviera, and drive him home, and let himself be talked into having a coffee here, just down the road from Fraser’s apartment building.

This was despite the fact that babies might be left in the Riv, or one of Fraser’s many neighbors might consult him on some triviality. Everyone knew to come find the Mountie here. The waitresses encouraged Fraser to visit as often as possible, and were forever providing free refills, or a sample of a fresh Danish – though Ray only benefited because he was, as usual, with the guy in the hat.

Ray sighed, staring pensively into the distorted mirror of the serviette holder. His hair was definitely thinning beyond repair, and he couldn’t remember a time when he hadn’t had a receding hairline. At least when he was in high school, this had enabled him to add a surprising intellectual edge to the usual Italian swagger. However, the guys with eyebrows that joined in the middle, and hair that started an inch above – they were always the ones that won the larger share of the action. And now, rather than bestowing an intellectual look on Ray, his hair just made him look old before his time.

Unlike the Mountie. Fraser had incredibly thick hair – if he didn’t wear it cut so short, who knew what it would do. Ray looked across at the fellow, speculating, but unable to quite picture the man with unruly hair. Not so long ago Ray had told Fraser that he didn’t have hair, he had pelt – and now he thought about it, Ray supposed that had been a bit rude, and very dismissive. Just as well the Mountie was never hurt by personal abuse when it didn’t involve his work or his professionalism.

Fraser caught his gaze, and Ray smiled at his friend. Pointless to apologize for an insult days old already, and probably forgotten.

‘Is your hair still bothering you?’ Fraser asked.

‘My lack of it,’ Ray grumbled. ‘That must be your secret, why you have every female in Chicago running around after you – a thick head of hair.’

‘I wouldn’t have thought so, Ray.’

‘Well, they don’t notice _me_ anymore. I’ve lost my powers of attraction, not that they’ve ever been really strong. Do you know how long it is since I last had a date?’

‘No.’ Fraser sat there unconsciously projecting his complete openness that was compassion and understanding, but somehow thankfully didn’t include pity.

Ray grimaced, not wanting to put it into days, weeks, months. ‘Too long,’ he said morosely. ‘I’ll forget how soon.’

‘Forget how to what?’

That almost deserved a laugh. This innocence of Fraser’s just had to be genuine. Ray didn’t answer him directly, but commented, ‘They say it’s like riding a bicycle, though – once you know how, you never fall off again.’

Fraser just let this pass right by him. After a moment he said, ‘People still find you attractive, Ray.’

‘No, they don’t.’

‘Yes, they do.’

‘ _No_ , they don’t.’

‘Well, of course they do, Ray.’ Unquestioning unquestionable sincerity.

Ray stared hard at the man. ‘Don’t be saying that just to make me feel better, all right, Benny?’

‘I’m saying it because it’s true. But I hope it _will_ make you feel better.’

One of the waitresses chose that moment to saunter over with a fresh pot of coffee. ‘Refill?’ she asked the Mountie.

‘Yes, thank you,’ Fraser said with a smile. The fellow did have a nice smile, Ray had to give him that. A lovely smile and a thick head of hair.

She would have sauntered off again without topping up Ray’s cup, if he hadn’t called her back. ‘Did you see that?’ Ray asked the Mountie when she’d gone. ‘All that hip-swaying? That was for your benefit, not mine.’

Fraser attempted to dissemble, but found she was smiling over at him from the counter. Smiling very broadly. ‘Well, perhaps she isn’t a good example.’

‘Then who is?’

‘I beg your pardon?’

‘Who _is_ a good example of someone who finds me attractive?’

Fraser’s eyes slid away. He was absolutely awful at lying. ‘It’s simply something I’ve observed.’

‘Really.’

‘Yes. People do find you attractive.’

‘Who? Come on, I want to know. I want to ask the poor deluded soul out on a date.’

Silence for a long moment. Fraser appeared to be going pink around the ears. Well, that’s what he got for being caught in such a shameful lie. ‘It’s really none of my business,’ the Mountie tried. ‘I shouldn’t have said anything.’

‘Oh yes, you should. Tell me, Fraser. That’s what friends are for, helping each other out.’

Fraser lifted a hand, tried to brush the whole topic away with a curiously clumsy gesture. ‘I believe it’s the sort of thing you need to work out for yourself, Ray.’

‘Really.’ Ray shook his head, and decided to let the guy off the hook. ‘Look, I appreciate you trying to make me feel better, but don’t lie to me, Fraser. I don’t like you lying to me like that.’

He seemed surprised. ‘I wasn’t lying, Ray. I just don’t think…’

‘No, you don’t, do you? If you _did_ think, you’d realize that lying is going to hurt me more than telling me the simple truth, whatever it might be. You’re my best friend, Fraser. Don’t lie to me.’

‘Oh.’ The fellow seemed quite taken aback. He sipped at his coffee, but didn’t appear to enjoy it. Silence, as Fraser stared into the surface of the table.

‘Don’t mind me,’ Ray finally said, taking pity on him. ‘I’m not feeling real happy right now.’

That sincere gaze instantly met his. ‘But you would be happier if you felt attractive again?’ Beautiful blue eyes as well as that lovely smile, and that thick head of hair.

Ray said sadly, ‘Give it a rest, Benny. It doesn’t matter. Not anymore. I guess I’m just getting old.’

‘No, you’re not.’

Silence again. Ray was not going to respond with a childish, _Yes, I am_. And, from the gentle tone, it seemed Fraser didn’t expect him to.

‘I don’t want to see you grow old,’ Fraser said. ‘You’re still a young man, it’s not time for you to grow old yet. I wasn’t lying, Ray.’ He left a pause, obviously feeling a little uncomfortable. ‘I have observed that I am attracted to you.’

Ray just stared at him, not quite understanding.

Fraser bore this stoically. ‘I have been attracted to you for some while. I wouldn’t have said anything, but you seem to need reassurance.’

‘You mean…?’ Ray managed.

‘Yes, Ray, I believe I mean the same kind of attraction that you were referring to.’ When Ray asked for more information with a lift of his eyebrows, Fraser had the nerve not to check around him for eavesdroppers. He elaborated, ‘A sexual and an emotional attraction.’

‘Oh.’ Unbelievable. Ray shook his head, dazed. He said the first thing that popped into his head. ‘You want I should ask you for a date?’

The fellow didn’t even blink. ‘If you feel so inclined, Ray.’

‘Inclined,’ he repeated. _Inclinations_. Before he could think about that, Ray said, ‘I’ll pick you up at eight. We’ll have dinner, somewhere nice.’

Fraser nodded, very serious. ‘I’ll wear my best suit.’ He checked his watch. ‘Perhaps you’ll excuse me. I need to press the trousers.’

‘Sure,’ Ray said. And his gaze followed Fraser as the Mountie left the coffee shop and headed up the sidewalk. Dazed. But Ray had a date for once, and he supposed that was the important thing.

♦

Ray drove the Riv through the dark streets, slower than usual. Not bothering with his usual tease of Fraser, not bothering to ignore the road signs or the speed limits. He even signaled every time he turned a corner or changed lanes. On his best behavior. Because this was a date, he supposed, which was different to their usual rambunctious friendship.

While they’d sat opposite each other at dinner, Ray had forgotten this was a date. They had talked, really talked. Fraser wasn’t usually a quiet person, but tonight he’d made an extra effort and told Ray so many stories about his life, tried to convey so many of his thoughts and his values. Ray had been fascinated, and in response had found himself talking about all kinds of things, working half of it out for himself as he went along. Communication, that’s what it had been.

But then, perhaps inevitably, once they’d gotten back to the car, silence had fallen. It wasn’t uncomfortable, exactly, but Ray regretted the ease they’d found, the honesty. Now he thought of it, he couldn’t quite remember what he’d eaten. But Ray had been functioning in a daze ever since Benny had said, _I have observed that I am attracted to you_.

Ray pulled the Riviera up in front of Fraser’s building, cut the motor, and then just sat there, uncertain as to what should happen next.

Silence. It must have only lasted a few seconds, but it felt like a year or more. Ray opened his mouth, about to make his farewells, ask whether Fraser wanted a lift the next morning. Fraser said, ‘Would you like to come up for a cup of coffee?’

A laugh escaped him – Ray just couldn’t help himself. But he looked over at that open sincerity, and tried to curb the humor. ‘You probably mean exactly that, don’t you?’

‘Yes,’ the fellow responded, no doubt wondering what else could be read into such a simple offer.

‘Yeah, I’d love a coffee.’

So they headed upstairs to Fraser’s apartment, and everything was so familiar and so strange all at once. Fraser set his hat down, and put the kettle on, busy with mugs and spoons and coffee and milk. Ray loitered, hands deep in his coat pockets, wanting something to occupy him.

They sat at the tiny table, and began to talk again, but only of easy day-to-day stuff. Easy topics, though the conversation felt stilted to Ray. He sighed, and sipped at the coffee while it was still too hot. He had no idea what any of this was about.

Eventually they finished their drinks – Ray had never thought coffee took so long to cool – and the cop stood, ready once more to make his farewells. And again the Mountie spoke just as Ray opened his mouth. ‘I know many people have strict rules about not kissing on a first date,’ Fraser announced, ‘but I have none.’

Ray gaped.

Fraser stood as well, took a step closer so that he was just outside arm’s reach. The fellow was deadly serious. ‘I hope that doesn’t make you think badly of me.’

‘You want – you want me to kiss you?’ Ray finally stuttered out, for all the world like the boy he’d been twenty years ago.

‘If you feel so inclined, Ray.’ The coolest delivery, but not like he didn’t care. Just very very sure of himself.

‘Well, let’s talk about that,’ Ray said. The one topic they’d avoided all evening. ‘Inclinations. Surprise, surprise – it seems you like men as well as women. Or is that _instead_ of women?’

‘As well as.’ A moment of consciousness. ‘Though I have little experience. And less experience with men than with women.’ Perhaps if the light were better, it would be obvious that the Mountie’s ears were going pink. ‘Actually, I must admit I have no experience with men.’

‘But you’re attracted to me.’

‘Oh yes.’ Fraser nodded once, firmly. ‘I’m perfectly aware of my inclinations, and of the directions in which they lead me. One particular direction at present.’

‘You just haven’t had the chance to act on those inclinations,’ Ray supplied. Fascinating. That mouth, never before touched by any man, wanted Ray’s kiss. Generous mouth with a lovely smile, beautiful blue eyes, thick head of hair.

‘What about you, Ray?’

‘Me? Are you kidding? I’m a red-blooded Italian male raised on the streets of Chicago. Men like me are heavily into women.’ Ray shook his head. ‘So what the hell am I doing here?’ he asked himself. And then he asked Fraser, ‘Is this just because you felt sorry for me?’

‘I don’t feel sorry for you, Ray.’

‘You don’t? It wasn’t the lack of hair, and getting old? It wasn’t that I haven’t had a date in so long? You took pity on your best friend.’

‘Of course not, Ray.’ Fraser looked at him, shamelessly examined the thinning hair. Ray hoped he couldn’t see the bald spot from where he stood. The Mountie asked, ‘Do you feel you still have your _je ne sais quoi_? Or have you replaced it with something else?’

‘Yeah. Yeah, I think you were right about that. I’ve replaced it.’

‘The Oxford dictionary states that _je ne sais quoi_ means _an indefinable something_ , and I can see why that appeals to you, Ray. However, as the phrase comes from the French for _I don’t know what_ , I feel you could do better.’

‘All right already,’ Ray said with a little impatience, ‘I’ll replace it. But that’s OK. I mean, people grow, don’t they? Change. Develop. That’s a good thing.’

‘Yes, it is.’

‘So, what do you think? I’ve grown beyond _I don’t know what_. Maybe more _I don’t care_?’

‘But you do care, Ray, about so many things.’

Ray just stared at the fellow for a moment. ‘I guess I do. But the attitude’s important, you know. Nonchalant. Cool. Take it or leave it.’

‘Ah,’ Fraser said, finally understanding. ‘Insouciant. Unconcerned. Perhaps _sans souci_ , which means _without care_.’

‘Sure,’ Ray agreed with a smile. ‘ _Sans souci_.’

Fraser was considering him. ‘You don’t need the attitude, Ray. You could simply be yourself, and people would love you just the same.’

‘Hey, I’m a red-blooded Italian male. I need the attitude, it goes with the territory. I _am_ the attitude.’

That cool considering gaze remained steady for a long moment, and then Fraser turned away. He collected the two empty mugs and asked distantly, ‘Would you like another coffee?’

‘No,’ Ray said before he could think twice, ‘I’d like to kiss you.’

Fraser was in the kitchen area, rinsing out the mugs. He looked up, perhaps surprised, maybe having changed his mind anyway about what was on offer. A long moment before he said very quietly, ‘All right.’

They walked towards each other, stood close, within inches. Closer than best friends ever got, face to face. Ray tilted his head to the right and, after a pause, Fraser echoed the move. Ray leaned forward slightly – and their mouths met.

So familiar and so strange. Fraser sure in what he wanted, but tentative in how to get at it. Ray hungry for sensation, and yet not quite believing he was kissing another man. Surely not. _What the hell am I doing here?_ Ray abruptly broke away, though he didn’t let himself take a step back. He asked harshly, ‘What else do you expect on a first date?’

Fraser shook his head, not understanding, not reading Ray’s angry discomfort. Generous mouth, perfect for kissing, one corner kicking up into a dazed encouraging smile. Beautiful blue eyes, thick head of hair. One hell of a date, when all was said and done, even though he was a man.

‘You planning to have sex with me?’ Ray almost shuddered, not sure if he could get used to the thought let alone the act. ‘Tonight?’

‘No.’

Ray stared at the man, righteous resentment bursting through him. ‘Why not?’ he demanded.

‘Well, for a start, it seems that you don’t want to.’

‘That’s beside the point. You said you were attracted to me.’

‘I am, Ray. And I would like to make love with you. But neither of us are ready to take that step.’ Fraser had that inscrutable look on his face, which meant that nothing would budge him. Finally the man added, ‘Not yet, anyway.’

Perverse, and Ray knew it. Perverse to fear something one moment, and then want it with a vengeance as soon as it was placed firmly out of reach. Ray glared murder at Fraser, and leaned in again to meet that damnable mouth with his own. Glorious heady stuff, this. Giving and demanding, all at once. Strong and vulnerable. Stirring.

Something else occurred to Ray, and he broke away again. His hands were still in his coat pockets – incredible that all this sensation rioted through him from just a kiss with no embrace, no caress, no red-blooded hug. But that wasn’t what tugged at his mind. It was something Fraser had said. Oh yes. ‘ _What_ people would love me just the same?’

Fraser’s eyes slid away. ‘Anyone. Anyone who loves you.’

‘Like who?’

‘Well, your family.’

‘Anyone else?’

The man nodded, considering, still not meeting Ray’s gaze, though it was difficult to avoid from only inches away. ‘Your friends.’

Ray grinned, deciding that was all he needed to know. ‘I want to date you, Benny. What are you doing tomorrow night?’

‘Tomorrow?’ the Mountie repeated. He looked about as dazed as Ray had been feeling.

‘Yeah, tomorrow. If you feel so inclined.’

‘Yes.’

‘How about a movie this time? Do they have talking pictures in Canada? We have Technicolor now, you know.’ Ray couldn’t stop grinning, though he knew he must look a complete fool. ‘I guess this _sans souci_ attitude works, right?’

‘Yes,’ was the only reply.

‘I’ll pick you up for work in the morning. Usual time?’

‘Yes. Thank you.’

Ray took a moment to frown at the fellow, search those dazed beautiful blue eyes. ‘Is this OK with you, Benny?’ He waited for a nod, and then Ray leaned in and planted a firm goodnight kiss on that lovely mouth. Fraser responded, slow but sure, drawing Ray into a more involved kiss than he’d intended. Finally the cop broke away. ‘See you tomorrow, _caro_.’

And Ray strode out of there, walking on air, grinning fit to burst. Ray Vecchio had another date, and all was right with the world.

♦


End file.
